From birth he was a fighter. Not wanting or needing respiration assistance, not wanting or needing the feeding tube, all this happened very quickly and three weeks later the proud parents took William Alexander Thompson home. He would be known as Alexander.
There were trials and tribulations, as with any baby, perhaps more with a preemie, but he thrived. He slept less than many babies, having some digestive problems, but kept growing, first out of preemie clothes and then out of newborn. We saw him shortly after birth and then when he was a little more than a month old. We looked forward to seeing him in October, knowing that he'd be twice the size that he was in mid July.
Instead I saw him in September; Sandy couldn't bear to go to the viewing. Our fighter had passed away. He'd passed away without a fight. He just stopped breathing during his morning nap. An autopsy showed nothing, not smothered, no other cause of death ... the very definition of SIDS.
I've done a lot of reading. The number of SIDS deaths has gone down over time ... why ? Largely because other causes of death have been eliminated, medical science getting better at identifying the cause and fewer deaths left categorized as SIDS. SIDS basically means "we don't know why". My reading even found that at one point SIDS was thought to run in families, until they realized that those deaths were not SIDS, they were due to abuse.
Everything happens for a reason ... no, I don't believe that. To my way of thinking, if everything happens for a reason then it leads you down the track to believing that everything is basically pre-ordained, and if so, we don't really have free will and praying to God is a waste of time. I do believe in God but I also believe that He lets things happen on their own, interfering, providing a "nudge" as it were, when He chooses.
I find it easier, personally, to believe in that randomness. With randomness there is no answer to "why". There is no reason for anger, for anger must be directed at some thinking being who made a choice, whether Man or God. There is, however, sorrow and there is joy.
I do believe in life after death but it's clearly not the same. I do believe that God sits in judgement, examining the choices that we made. Alexander was too young to make any choices. In that case I do believe that he is with God. Whether as a soul with God he has any knowledge or influence over us still on earth, I don't know how that would work. My church tells me that he does and that he can intercede on our behalf with God. Just like us he can pray. I've asked him to pray for us, ask God to help us move forward, ask God to help us overcome our sorrow.
At the church that Sara and Jeffrey attended yesterday, Alexander was remembered. Sara had to rush out of church, overcome with emotion. Sandy sat on the deck at our house here in Florida, tears running down her face. I thought about him constantly, both the joy of his birth and the blinding panic when Jeffrey called me to say that he'd stopped breathing; that he was gone. I had a hard time holding the road on that second call.
After Mass I did my solitary thing, heading out on my bike. It was fitting that I got rained on, but I didn't care.
Sara posted something on Facebook the other day --
Onward ... with sorrow. Our children and grandchildren give us much joy, so we must compartmentalize that sorrow, not letting it overcome us.
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